The EX Files
It's over between you and your guy. You've cried, turned to your pals Ben and Jerry for comfort, listened to every sad song ever recorded, and doubted you'll ever find love again. "The important thing now is to look forward, not back," says Alison James, author of "I Used to Miss Him... But My Aim Is Improving." But now you face a range of potential unpleasant encounters of the ex-boyfriend kind. Read on for practical tips to help you navigate through these sticky situations.
Scenario # 1: You bump into your ex...and your replacement.
Seeing your former fella strutting around with his new girl (aka the woman who will never measure up to you) is the horror of horrors. The best approach? "Act like you're genuinely pleased to see him and thrilled to meet her, and that you don't feel uncomfortable about it at all," advises Victoria Simon, Ph.D., founder of Talk Works, a company that teaches couples how to communicate more effectively. "If you indicate that you're upset or say something nasty, it will only make you look bad," adds James. Keep the conversation short; don't reminisce, ask about common friends or remind him that his favorite T-shirt is still hanging in your closet. Say how nice it's been seeing him and meeting her, and then excuse yourself. "Then focus your attention on meeting new guys who are cuter, cooler and taller than your ex, so the next time you run into him and you're with a guy, he'll squirm," says James.
Scenario # 2: You hop back into bed with him.
Oops, you did it again. Now you're confused and left with terrible case of sex-with-your-ex regret. "Don't beat yourself up over it," says James. "We all do things we wish we didn't when our emotions are involved." Just avoid turning a single round of breakup sex into a confusing pseudo-relationship. Consider this: "While you're lying in bed next to him imagining that he's sorry he let you go, he might be thinking that if he'd known from the start that you were up for casual sex, he wouldn't have bothered with the whole relationship mess in the first place," says Dr. Simon. Create some distance -- and stay busy -- to avoid making this a regular habit.
Scenario # 3: He confesses that he actually plays for the other team.
If your former beau reveals that he's gay, think carefully before you speak. "The only thing you have to say right then is 'Thank you for telling me,'" says Tina Tessina, Ph.D., author of "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again." After that, take some time to digest the news. Though his disclosure may leave you feeling an array of emotions -- disappointment, embarrassment, confusion -- it may also answer a lot of questions and help you let go. In fact, after you've had time to reflect, you may decide you want to be friends with him. At that point, begin a dialogue, says Dr. Tessina. But if there's even a little part of you deep down that's thinking you can make him love women again, know that you're just setting yourself up and should probably stay away.
Scenario # 4: He's getting married!
Thinking of attending your ex's wedding because you envision him saying your name at the altar, like what happened to Rachel on "Friends"? Well, stop dreaming, says Simon; your life is not an episode of must-see TV. Even if you're convinced that you're over him, this event has no happy ending for you. "The only appropriate response to such an invite is 'Are you nuts?'" she says. Skip the ceremony and plan some fun with friends while the big shindig is taking place, so you don't spend your day wondering about it.
Scenario # 5: You run into his mother (or best friend) on the street.
Unless you plan to enter a post-breakup relocation program, seeing people in your ex's inner circle is probably inevitable. And although you may be tempted to pump them for info about what he's doing or who he's seeing ... don't. "Instead, talk about how great you're doing -- even if you have to fib a bit!" says James. "Remember that everything you say will get back to him." So make sure you mention your big promotion! And if you're asked personal questions about the relationship, stand firm. "Politely say that it's a difficult situation and that you'd rather not talk about it," says Tessina. "Don't get drawn into a discussion you don't want to have."
Scenario # 6: He wants you to take him back.
Have a list of requirements if you think reconciliation is a possibility, says Tessina. Do you need couples counseling? Does he need to get a job, be less of a slob or stop messing around? "Figure out what didn't work and what he needs to do -- and what you need to change, too -- and then tell him you won't consider coupling up again until those requirements are met," says Tessina. But think carefully about your motives. "Never get back together with an ex because you're lonely, need a date for your sister's wedding or simply because he says he still loves you," says James. "He has to show you repeatedly through his actions that he's a better man. Then, and only then, does he deserve a second chance." |