You met online. Will it last?
By Andrea Baker, Ph.D.

As part of my research on online relationships, I’ve spent many years writing and talking to couples who met online, and I’ve learned a lot about online relationships in that time. The 90 couples I studied for my latest book range in age from 18 to 67 and come from all regions of the U.S. and beyond. I wanted to find out what couples who met online and stayed together had in common, and what made them different from those who eventually split up. What I learned is that whether a relationship succeeded was determined by what I call the POST factors:

Place:  The locations where couples met, both online and offline, affected how long their relationships lasted. In general, couples who met online at a place of common interest, such as an online game or a chat room discussing specific topics, were more successful.

When it came time to meet offline for the first time, people who met at each other’s homes stayed together more than those meeting at hotels or other public places—ironically, considering that the typical advice is to meet somewhere public for safety’s sake. That may be because these couples had developed a high level of trust over the weeks or months that they communicated online.

Obstacles: Another major factor is how couples were able to overcome obstacles to their relationship, such as other existing relationships or distance. The more smoothly couples handled these obstacles, the higher their probability of staying together.

Self-Presentation: Online communication provides plenty of opportunity to disguise your appearance, age, weight, height, or so forth. But the couples that lasted did not deceive each other. In fact, many couples were “hyper-honest,” as I call it, describing themselves in detail. Some placed less emphasis on physical appearance; a few couples did not even exchange photos before meeting. As one man said, “I knew I had to meet her no matter what our chemistry…I actually booked a flight to visit her before I even saw a picture. I told her that we connected so well that I just had to meet her even if we didn't click.”

Timing:  Successful couples generally waited to meet offline until they had communicated at length. They spent time and energy becoming acquainted with each other’s likes, dislikes, values and lifestyles. Another dimension here is how quickly or slowly people explored their sexuality online. Those who waited to meet in-person to become intimate usually did better than those who engaged in cybersex before that point.

A final factor that played a key role: C for Communication. Good communication really helped in all the areas above, for example, in deciding where to meet offline, in negotiating where to live, in presenting themselves openly, and in deciding when to take the relationship offline. Couples were able to “practice” getting along online before having to solve problems of relating that all couples encounter in everyday life. And reaching agreement through written and phone communication provided a foundation for the future courses of their relationship.

Andrea Baker, Ph.D. (bakera@ohiou.edu), is a sociology professor at Ohio University Lancaster. She studies relationships in cyberspace, online communities, and the ethics of internet research, and is currently examining how emotions are communicated through email or chat of online couples. You can read more about the research described in this article in her new book, Double Click (Hampton Press, 2005).