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What will happen on the parenting front in 2006? Are there signs already in place that point in specific directions? Can predictions be drawn from the evidence currently available? Will there be an upturn in taking parenting responsibility seriously or a continued slide towards parenting indifference?

While, there is no parenting crystal ball that will accurately predicts what will happen to the state of parenting in 2006, events already in place and the energy surrounding those events seem to suggest several parenting trends. Our predictions follow.

Prediction Number One: The purchase and reading of books on parenting will decline in 2006. Sale and use of parenting resources on the internet is on the rise. Traffic to sites that offer practical, useable advice for parents on specific parenting issues will increase. CD sales will also go up so that busy parents can glean valuable parenting information while they drive to work or school .

Prediction Number Two: Busy parents will continue to outsource their parenting responsibilities. There will be a dramatic increase in parenting consultants who will be hired to teach children how to ride a bike, hit a baseball, divide fractions, sleep through the night, or become potty trained. Party planners, tutorial services, and companies offering to take over parent responsibilities will flourish.

Prediction Number Three: The concept of Parent Coaching will explode in 2006. Even skilled parents will emulate professional athletes who, although they are the best in the world at what they do, have coaches who continually help them to improve and stay at the top of their game. A growing number of parents will huddle on a regular basis with coaches via the internet or telephone in an effort to learn how to raise responsible, caring, confident children.

Prediction Number Four: International Parenting Commitment Day will be recognized by a record number of families this year. Last year, March 20 th was officially designated as International Parenting Commitment Day and attracted attention world wide. This year, more families will celebrate this special day with unique activities that bring attention to its importance. Check www.10commitments.net for more information on ways to celebrate this significant day.

Prediction Number Five: Fantasy sport leagues will continue to grow in popularity. This growing interest will see more men investing time deciding who to play on their next fantasy team than actually playing with their own children.

Prediction Number Six: Children’s use of electronic media will level off at 6 ½ hours per day. This will do little to address the problem of the Great American Family Disconnect. The strangers that lurk in children’s bedrooms (computer, television, media centers) will continue to teach attitudes, values, and behaviors as well as distract them from homework and create separation and distance from family.

Prediction Number Seven: In 2006 there will be a widening gap between children that receive effective parenting and those who’s parents over-function or under-function in the parenting role. Effective parents will continue to improve their verbal skills, build family traditions, and support their children with time and energy. Simply put, high-skilled parents will get better and low-skilled parents will get worse. The parent effectiveness gap will continue to expand.

Prediction Number Eight: Reality –based TV shows about parenting will continue to attract attention. Some parents will tune in to watch how parents of unruly children learn to take control and make kids obedient. Others will watch and be appalled at what they consider shame-base parenting that attacks character and wounds the spirit. The producers will continue to find dysfunctional families with few parenting skills and out-of-control children that will shock viewers into staying tuned to the program. Many parents will view the sensationalized accounts and think they are learning valuable techniques to use with their families. Others will be appalled and simply grateful that they have been taking parenting seriously for many years and recognize that extreme measures are not needed in their families.

Prediction Number Nine: The number of parenting conferences offered around the country will increase in 2006 as will the number of participants attending. We have observed these phenomena over the past several years at the parenting conferences where we have presented and have seen a steady rise in number of attendees and new conference opportunities being offered to parents. This trend will continue.

Prediction Number Ten: Parents will show a growing interest in the spiritual aspects of parenting. Interest in our Grace-Full Parenting and Enlightened Parenting workshops are at an all time high. Seeing parenting as a sacred responsibility and as an important ministry is growing in popularity among parents throughout the world. More parents will join that group in the coming year.

What parenting trend will you help promote in 2006? Will you be a book reader or a CD listener? Will you spend more time playing fantasy football or playing with your children? Will you get your parenting techniques from a TV show or from an enlightened parenting workshop? Will you celebrate International Parenting Commitment Day, hire a coach, or outsource your parenting responsibilities. However you answer these questions in 2006, you will be helping establish a trend.

Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose. They are two of the world's foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. They publish a free monthly e-zine for parents. To sign up for it or obtain more information about how they can help you or your group meet your parenting needs, visit www.chickmoorman.com for more information.

Special Thanks this Thanksgiving
By Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller
www.chickmoorman.com or www.thomashaller.com

Millions of parents will pause this Thanksgiving to do what the day was originally created for--- give thanks for the many blessings that exist in their lives. Turkey, pumpkin pie, and the presence of loved ones will receive their fair share of gratitude during this annual ritual of appreciation. Many parents will also give thanks for their children’s health, the arrival of a newborn, or a recent marriage. The abundance provided by the universe, opportunities for meaningful work, and the laughter of children will likely be appreciated by loving parents as they thank the creator for their blessings. Indeed, this traditional day calls for traditional thank you-s.

But what if your appreciation this Thanksgiving took on a new look? What if the blessings you count this year included items and situations that aren’t always seen as helpful, useful or valuable? Consider the following.

Why not be thankful that your child is two years behind grade level in his reading ability? This struggling reader is giving you the opportunity to read to him regularly at night. This evening ritual will help build connectedeness between you and your child while at the same time modeling your love for the printed word. Great literature like The Little Engine that Could or The Diary of Anne Frank can be shared as you simultaneously bond with your child. This opportunity is an incredible blessing. Appreciate it.

Why not be thankful that your daughter’s soccer team lost their last game. It is important that your children have experiences of winning and losing. By losing, children have the opportunity to learn to handle defeat and bounce back next time. With your help they can learn that winning or losing is not the measure of who and what they are as human beings. They can learn they are more than the score. They can learn it is effort, energy, and playing up to potential with good sportsmanship that defines a winner, not the scoreboard. Appreciate the loss and be grateful for it.

Why not be thankful your teenager received a speeding ticked for going 45mph in a 25mph speed zone? Getting a ticket is not bad thing. Not if your teen learns from it and slows her driving for the next year. If your teen takes personal responsibility, pays the ticket, and is more cautious about her driving the ticket may well save her life or the life of someone else in the future. Bless the ticket and give thanks for it’s blessings.

Why not be thankful that your eight-year-old shoplifted in the grocery store? This is the perfect time to teach your child about shoplifting. Better now than when he helps himself to someone else’s car when he is eighteen years old. Teach him how to make amends. Teach him what to say as he returns the candy bars to the store owner. Help him learn to articulate what he learned and what he intends to do differently next time. Bless this perfect time to teach lessons about taking things that don’t belong to you. Be grateful for the opportunity.

Why not be thankful that your youngsters track mud and sand into the garage and house? The next time you stand in the garage furiously sweeping sand, wishing your children were better behaved---quietly remind yourself, one day you’ll wish you had sand to sweep out of the garage. Love the mud. Love the sand. Be grateful for the signal of the presence of children in your life.

Why not be thankful for sibling rivalry? “He got more than I did,” and “It isn’t fair,” are common childhood refrains. Hitting, poking and teasing your sister are typical childhood behaviors. Bless these opportunities to help your children learn how to get along with each other. Use them as times to teach interpersonal skills and the importance of touching each other gently. Sibling rivalry is a call for help, a signal that your children need lessons interacting positively with each other. Bless their unskillful way of asking for help. Be grateful that you recognize it and help them grow in working and playing cooperatively.

Why not be thankful that you got to stay home with a sick child last week? You didn’t have to stay home. You got to stay home. You didn’t have to take him to the doctor. You got to take him to the doctor. You got to make sure he received the health care he needed. You got to show him you care enough to drive all over town to the doctors, the pharmacists and back home again. You got to be with your boy while he was sick. Not everyone gets to be with their children when they are sick. You did. Chalk it up as a blessing. Celebrate it this Thanksgiving.

Why not be thankful your adolescent asked you about oral sex? This is a great sign. It means your child trusts you enough to talk to you about sex. It means your child is not getting all her sex knowledge from the street. It means you have been taking your role as sex educator in your family seriously and that you have moved beyond “the talk” to having an on-going, honest conversation about the important subject of sex. Congratulate yourself. It is a blessing that you are willing to fulfill that role with your child and that she is responding to it positively. Give thanks.

Why not be thankful that your 20-year-old has moved out of your home? Did you really want to raise a 30-year-old Nintendo player who sits around your house all day sucking up diet Pepsi and pizza? Hardly! Your goal was to raise a responsible, caring confident child who would move away from home when they time was right for her. You have been successful. Pat yourself on the back. Yes, it would nice if she had chosen to spend this Thanksgiving with you rather than with her boyfriend’s parents. Maybe next year. This year give thanks. Your child is an adult. That is a blessing.

Why not give thanks that your child is spilling milk, talking with his mouth full, wiping cranberry sauce on his new pants, refusing to eat his vegetables, and interrupting his grandmother at the dinner table this day? It means you have more work to do as a parent. It means your job is not yet done. This is a blessing. You are still needed to help you child learn to pour milk more carefully, improve his table manners, learn to eat nutritiously, and show respect for elders. Give thanks for these opportunities.

Why not be thankful for your special needs child? Do you have a child with ADHD? Is your child autistic, dyslexic, or have Down’s syndrome? Is your child facing a serious health challenge? They are in your life for a reason. Perhaps they have come to help you learn patience, understanding, or commitment. Perhaps they are here to teach your family about tolerance, acceptance of differences, or unconditional love. Their presence is a blessing. Be thankful for the contribution they are making to the planet and to your family.

This Thanksgiving, remember that parenting is a ministry. It is a sacred role that you are being called to perform. Give thanks that you have been called. Give thanks that you are willing to step forward and accept that call. Appreciate that the way is being shown to you. Celebrate yourself and your contribution to healing the planet by helping your children evolve into the people they were meant to be. You are a blessing to the world. Give thanks that you are up to the task.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose. They are two of the world's foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. They publish a free monthly e-zine for parents. To sign up for it or obtain more information about how they can help you or your group meet your parenting needs, visit their websites today: www.chickmoorman.com or www.thomashaller.com

Helping Your Child Make Smooth Transitions
By Chick Moorman

Latrell was moving from Head Start to kindergarten. Ho Lynn was moving from one day care center to another. Kevin was moving across town. Although their situations were different, each youngster was in need of a parent who could respond effectively to Transition Time.

Time is the key word in the Transition Time phrase. It takes time for a parent to structure and create conditions conducive to producing readiness for a smooth transition. It takes time for a child to get used to and embrace a new situation. It takes time for a parent to tune into and respond effectively to a child’s positive and negative reactions to the change. To smooth the Transition Time for your child, take the time to read and consider the Five Steps To Effective Transitions that follow.

Transition Step No. 1: Be honest and open with your child, keeping them informed of your plans as they develop. Give children real reasons why the transitions are necessary. A minor transition for you can be a big deal for your child. Remember, to a four-year old, the last two years represent half of her life.

Transition Step No. 2 : Arrange for a visitation. Tell your child, “We’re going to see how the new school works”. Set it up as if you are checking it out, looking it over. Treat this as an exploration, an adventure into discovery. Give your child and yourself some things to look for. (How is it the same/different than the last school? Let’s find out what you like and don’t like about it. )

Transition Step No 3: Debrief the visitation. After the visitation, ask your child what he saw that looked fun and what he heard that sounded interesting. “What surprised you?” is a question that often produces helpful dialogue. “Did you see anything exciting or scary?” is another. Your goal here is to get the child talking. Your job during the debriefing is to give your child an opportunity to describe what he heard, saw and felt. Concentrate on giving information, not on getting information. As your child talks about her experience she will move through it and free herself from places where she could get stuck.

Transition Step No. 4 : Demonstrate understanding by granting in fantasy what you can not in reality. Children faced with a big transition will often remark, “I like my old school better” or “I don’t want a new teacher”. Here, it is not helpful to attempt reassurance with comments such as, “You’ll get used to it in time” or “Just give it a chance. You’ll probably end up liking it better.” Better to use parent talk that demonstrates your understanding of your child’s experience by recognizing and honoring their wish. “You wish you could stay with Miss Sally forever,” shows empathy and understanding while helping your child feel heard. “You’d like it best if you could pick your own teacher,” tunes into the child’s fantasy without communicating that the wish will be granted.

Transition Step No. 5: Send your child a capability message. “I know you can handle it,” or “I know you are up to it,” are examples of parent talk that send the silent message, “I see you as capable”. “I know you can handle it,” does not communicate that everything will be wonderful. It just lets your child know you believe they can handle whatever occurs.

Implement the five steps to effective transitions to help your child deal with change. I know you can handle it.

Chick Moorman is the co-author of The 10 Commitments, Parenting with Purpose, and has also written, Parent Talk: How to Talk to Your Children in Language That Builds Self-Esteem and Encourages Responsibility. He publishes FREE E-newsletters for parents and educators. Subscribe to them when you visit, www.chickmoorman.com. For more information about he can help you or your group meet your parenting needs, visit his websites today.

The Five Best and Worst Things You
Can Say To Your Children about War
By Chick Moorman

Author of Parent Talk: Words That Empower, Words that Wound

The Five Worst

1. "God is on our side."
God doesn't take sides. God loves everyone unconditionally. To tell children God loves us more that He loves them is untrue. "God is on our side," is a phrase that results in children's developing false beliefs that only good things can happen to us because God plays on our team. When you say this to your children you equip them with a false sense of superiority. Feelings of superiority lead to a belief in "better than." "Better than" breeds an "us vs. them" mentality that encourages conflict, dissention, and strife.

2. "We are right and they are wrong."
Everyone has a different view of the world, so no one thinks that what he or she does is "wrong." Human beings do horrible things, but they don't see them that way. They believe they are right. Their side is doing what they do because they think they are right. Our side is doing what we do because we think we are right.

Being right doesn't work. Making people wrong doesn't work. Speak to your children about differences. Let them know what is similar and what is different about the beliefs, values, morals and cultures. But do it outside of the context of right and wrong.

3. "There is nothing you can do."
When you say these words to your child you tell her, "You are small, insignificant, and have no power." You teach her that she is at the mercy of her environment and that she has no influence over the events of her life. You are teaching her to play her life from the victim position Ask instead, "What do you think we can do about this?" Help her brainstorm possible actions that can be taken. Could she donate part of her allowance to the Red Cross? Could she write a letter to a serviceman or woman? How about making a poster, saying a prayer, putting a bow on a tree, or designing a T-shirt?

Tell your child, "You always have more choices than you think you have," and help her develop an "I can" stance towards life. One of the best ways to come to believe "I can do something" is simply to go out and do something.

4. "You don't know what you are talking about."
Would you ever say to your child, "You're really stupid?" Or, "You're so young and inexperienced you couldn't possibly know anything. You need to live as long as I have and then you'll be worthy of having an opinion." Probably not. But when you say, "You don't know what you are talking about," you have sent him a similar message.

Of course we have more years of experience than our children. Absolutely, we have seen and heard things that they don't yet begin to grasp. But that doesn't mean we can't respect the opinion of our eight year-old or that of our thirteen year-old. Listen to your child. Demonstrate your understanding of her views by reflecting them back to her with a paraphrase. Model for her a mature adult who can respect differences as well as contrary opinions.

5. "There is nothing to worry about."
Children worry. They get scared. They have strong feelings about war, terrorism, and death. To tell them they have nothing to worry about is to ask them to numb their feelings, push them down, and pretend they don't exist. In emotional times children need support. They need adults in their lives who help them work through their feelings in safe ways.

The Five Best

1. "What have you been hearing about the war?"
Ask your children questions. Begin a dialogue by showing an interest in your child's thoughts, ideas, and feelings. Ask her what she has heard at school. Ask what her friends think. Ask what she has heard on the news. Ask if she has questions.

Then listen to your child's answers. Ask clarifying questions. Why do you think that? How do you think that happened? What do you think will happen next? Show an interest in your child's opinion and it won't be long before you hear, "What do you think, dad?"

2. "You can only watch TV for 30 minutes and I want to be present."
War on TV can be graphic. Viewers and parents beware. In addition, seeing real human beings killed with the precision and repetition of a video game can have a numbing effect on children. War is not a game. Neither is it a sixty-minute drama interlaced with commercials. The war related TV children watch needs to be highly regulated and supervised. Turn the TV off after the news coverage and debrief. Dialogue about what was just seen and heard. Process the material presented and help your children make meaning of this serious material.

3. "What do you suppose it looks like from the other side?"
This question is parent talk that helps children learn about perspective. It helps them learn to see things from both sides of an issue and develop empathy as well. Learning to shift perspective and see things from the other side prevents your child from developing tunnel vision. It increases his understanding of the opposing view, which is an important step in effective problem-solving and conflict resolution.

When children learn that it is possible to see the same thing from different angles they are better equipped to deal with the increasing diversity and difference of opinion that exist in today's world. Understanding the belief system and the perspective of another helps us anticipate reactions and predict responses on the international and on a personal level.

4. "I don't know what will happen, but I know we'll be able to handle it."
When children get scared, adults often make what they think are reassuring promises. They say, "Everything will be okay," or "Nothing will happen to us. I can tell you that." These promises are not truthful. We do not know everything will be okay. We do not know for sure that nothing will happen to us. Not anymore! Tell your children the truth, "I do not know what will happen, but I know we can handle it." What you are really communicating to your child here is confidence. This style of parent talk says, "I am confident we can handle whatever comes our way. If we have to ration, we can handle it. If the price of gas doubles or triples, we can handle it. If the economy nosedives, we can handle it.

5. "I understand how you could feel that way."
There are a lot of varied and strong emotions in America about war. We have hawks and doves, peace marchers and war advocates. There is debate and disagreement in the Congress. Marriage partners are often split on this issue. It is highly possible that one of your children holds beliefs about war that differ from yours. When these differences are expressed, effective parent talk includes, "I understand how you could feel that way." "I understand how you could feel that way," does not say you agree with your child. It does not say you share their beliefs or their feelings. It demonstrates and communicates an understanding of how he could arrive at that conclusion. It is filled with respect for differences and honors diversity.

Chick Moorman is the co-author of The 10 Commitments, Parenting with Purpose, and has also written, Parent Talk: How to Talk to Your Children in Language That Builds Self-Esteem and Encourages Responsibility. He publishes FREE E-newsletters for parents and educators. Subscribe to them when you visit, www.chickmoorman.com. For more information about he can help you or your group meet your parenting needs, visit his websites today.

Affirming Your Children's Voice:
How and When to Encourage Your Child to Speak Up
By Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman

Authors of The Ten Commitments: Parenting with Purpose

“Stop interrupting me when I’m talking.”
"You have to learn to speak up for yourself."
"You ask too many questions.”
"Tell me with words.  I don't understand whining."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Don't bug me when I'm on the phone."
"You should have brought that concern to me."

These phrases and others like them are sending mixed messages to our children.  They are telling them: Talk, but don't talk.  I want to hear your opinion, but not all the time.  It’s no wonder many of our children are confused about when and how to access their own voice.

Children don’t automatically know when and how to speak up.  They don’t understand the appropriate times to interrupt. Nor do they often demonstrate the skills that will enable them to speak up effectively. They don’t understand the power of words and how to use them to create change in their lives.

The most effective way for children to learn when and how to speak up is for you to teach them. If you want children to learn to use their voice in appropriate ways at appropriate times, you have to help them.

Below are suggestions for when and how to encourage your child to create his or her own voice so he or she can become an empowered, confident, self-responsible youngster.


Children need to speak up when . . .

1.) They need help. 
Children need help stacking blocks, reaching toys on a high shelf, writing a thank you letter, understanding a math concept, handling a peer relationship, and in many other situations as they move through each developmental stage. Some situations they can handle themselves. Others they cannot. A key component to becoming independent is knowing when and how to ask for help.

2.) They want something.
Yes, it's okay for children to ask for what they want. Just because a child learns to speak up and ask for what she wants doesn’t mean she will get it. Sometimes what a child wants is unhealthy or unsafe. It is our job as parents to deny those requests while respecting the child's right to vocalize her desire to get what she wants. 

For some children, whining becomes the preferred way of asking for what they want. Our role is to give our children useful words to say what they want instead of whining. By helping them learn to say, "I want to stay up longer,” "I want to be held," or "I want to get down," you teach them that using words is their best hope for getting what they want in your family. They also come to understand that whining doesn't work with you.

Say, "Brandon, that’s whining. Whining doesn't work with me. Use your words to tell me what you want. By using words, you sometimes get what you want. Sometimes you don't. And it's your only hope

3.) They prefer NOT to have something.
Did you ever go on vacation with a teenager who didn’t want to be there, one who pouted for the entire week you spent in a cabin in the woods? If so, you know the value of teaching children to voice their opposition to something you want for them. “I don’t really like hooded sweatshirts,” is important information to have before you make a sixty dollar purchase that your child will never wear. “Lima beans is my least favorite vegetable,” is valuable data to accumulate before you head to the grocery store.

4.) Their personal space has been violated.
Children need to be taught to find and access their voice whenever they experience inappropriate touch. Being touched in the private areas is always inappropriate. A discussion of appropriate and inappropriate touch needs to be held early and often in a child's life. Role-play both kinds of touch. Teach your children to speak up clearly if inappropriate touch occurs. Teach young children to say, "That's not appropriate," or "Nobody gets to touch me there." Teach them to use their voice to tell you if anyone touches them in an inappropriate way. Practice that conversation. Teach them the words to use. "Dad, Billy touched me," or "I got a wrong touch."

Help your teen learn to say, "It's my body and I want you to respect it," and "The answer is 'No' and I don't need a reason."

In addition to inappropriate touch, children need to learn to speak up to defend their personal space. Aunt Tilly doesn't get to plant a big wet kiss on a child without his approval. Your child does not have to be hugged if he doesn't want a hug. Even the gentlest touch in the most common of places is not okay if the child doesn't feel like being touched. Help him or her to say, "I don’t really want a hug right now," and "I'm not comfortable being kissed."

5.) They are asked a direct question.
Recently, we asked a four-year-old how she was doing. The mother spoke for the child and replied, "She's feeling kind of shy today." The child never looked up. There was no need to. The mother was her voice.

When you speak for your child, you teach her there is no need to activate her own voice. The message you send her is, Your voice is not important. There is no need to use it. I'll take care of your thinking and responding. When you speak for your child, you encourage her to do less speaking for herself in the future.


6.) Someone is in danger.
We wish someone had spoken up before the massacre at Columbine High School a few years ago. We wish someone had used his or her voice before the most recent teen suicide. Whenever there is potential danger, we want and need children to speak up. And we want them to do it quickly.

"I don't want to hear any tattling" a parent recently told her son as he began to tell a story about his older sister. But what if the older sister was stuck in a tree and was hanging from her broken ankle? What if the sibling was playing with matches? What if a schoolmate was urging her to sniff cleaning fluid?

Teach your child the difference between getting someone IN trouble and getting them OUT of trouble. If your son wants to tell you about how his sister took his ball to get her in trouble, teach him to use his voice to communicate his desires and feelings to his sister. Teach him to say, "I don't like it when you take my ball. I want you to give it back." Be there with him when he speaks to his sister to make sure his words are heard.

If your son witnesses a dangerous situation, teach him to communicate it quickly and directly. Give him some starter words that will tip you off that he is communicating potential danger. "Mom, I see danger," "Shannon needs help," or "Trouble alert" work well as clues that danger is lurking.

7.) They feel afraid, angry, sad, hurt, or frustrated.
Teach your children to communicate their feelings. Use feeling words in their presence often so they develop a broad-based feeling vocabulary. Say, "I'm feeling really frustrated right now," "I get scared when I climb on the roof," or "I'm disappointed that the rain washed out my softball game." By using feeling words yourself, you help your children learn about their own feelings and the need to express them. You give them permission to have feelings and teach them the names for those feelings so they are more likely to articulate them in the future.

Tell your youngster, "You seem really angry with your brother right now. Why not tell him how angry you get when he marks on your paper?" Say to your teen, "Sounds to me like you are deeply disappointed that your dad wasn't there on time. It might be helpful to him and to you to communicate that to him."

Finding and learning how to use their own voice is a lifelong process for children. By implementing the above strategies with respect, patience, and understanding, we help our children gain skill and confidence when speaking up for themselves.

Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman are the authors of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose (available from Personal Power Press at toll- free 877-360-1477, amazon.com, and bookstores everywhere). They also publish a FREE email newsletter for parents. Subscribe to it at ipp57@aol.com. Visit www.thomashaller.com, www.chickmoorman.com, and www.10commitments.net.

Spoiling Children: The Eight Myths
By Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller

Myth #1:
You will spoil your baby if you handle her too much. You should let her cry sometimes.
Reality: You can not spoil a baby. Babies need to be touched, squeezed, coddled, and held. Babies cry because they are hungry, sick, wet, messy, or desire attention. Pick up your baby and hold her. Do it as often as you like.

Myth #2:
Kids should not grow up believing they can have anything they want.
Reality: It is desirable and an example of effective parenting to teach children they can have anything they want. They may have to work for it though. And they may not get it at this moment.

When you are shopping and your child asks, “Can I have one of those?” respond with, “Sure, how are you going to pay for it?” or “What are you willing to do to get it?” Ask, “How much money do you have?’ or “”Do you have a plan for getting it?”

Our job as parents is to help our children learn they can have whatever they want if they are willing to work for it. During the process of figuring out how to get whatever it is they desire, they may learn about problem-solving, planning, setting priorities, and goal achievement. They may even come to see themselves as being able to create what they want in their own lives. That is about as far from being spoiled as you can get. We call this phenomena self-responsibility.

Myth #3:
Spoiled children exist.
Reality: There is no such thing as a spoiled child. Spoiled is an inference, a judgment that people make after noticing behaviors.

Are there children who act as if they are entitled? Yes. Are there children who whine until the parents cave in? Yes. Are there children who pout if they don’t get their way? Yes. Are there children who seem unappreciative of small gifts? Yes. Does that make them spoiled? NO. It makes them children who have learned or are trying out new behaviors in an attempt to get what they want.

Children who do the behaviors in the paragraph above are not spoiled. They are children who are choosing inappropriate behaviors, behaviors that need to be redirected, that need to be replaced with other choices. These are children that need to be taught more effective ways of interacting, of asking for what they want, of expressing their feelings.

Myth #4:
Spoiled is a good descriptor of some children.
Reality: Spoiled is never an accurate descriptor of children. Spoiled does not describe a behavior. It judges it.

Do not label children as spoiled. Not aloud, nor in your head. When you label children as spoiled you tend to believe they are spoiled. When you believe they are spoiled you are more likely to notice anything they do that could be interpreted as spoiled. When you see things that can be interpreted as spoiled you prove your belief to yourself that the child is indeed spoiled. Your belief then becomes entrenched and you eventually communicate your belief to your child and she begins to see herself as spoiled.

Myth #5:
It’s important to tell children when they are acting spoiled and call them on it.
Reality: Labeling children spoiled or telling they are acting spoiled in never a good parenting move. When you call a child spoiled what he likely hears is not “spoiled.” He is more likely to hear “spoiled rotten.” Do you want your child thinking of himself as spoiled rotten?

When you notice yourself thinking a child is spoiled, ask yourself, “What is the behavior he is doing that I am judging as spoiled?” Then communicate a description of that behavior along with any other helpful information you need to share. “Jenny, I see you sitting with your head down and a frown on your face. Would you like to tell me about that?” “Chico, that sounds like whining. Whining doesn’t work with me. Your best hope of getting what you want is to tell me in a normal voice and explain what you are willing to do to help get it.” “Roland, I noticed you paid little attention to grandma’s gift and shared no words of appreciation. Is there some way you could honor her giving even if you didn’t like the gift?”

Myth #7:
Children who have an abundance of material things are likely to be spoiled.
Not true. A friend of ours recently bought a horse for his two young boys. A close friend of his, hearing of the purchase said, “There you go again spoiling your children.”

Is it spoiling the children if they contribute to the purchase price, clean stalls, and play a role in feeding and grooming the horse? Is it spoiling them if they learn lessons about safety around large animals, bond with another of God’s creatures, and learn about the self-discipline it takes to become an accomplished rider? Is it spoiling them if they connect with their father working side by side in the barn, sweating, laughing, and learning about each other?

Whether a child has a 10 speed bicycle, a horse, or a convertible is not an indication of whether or not she is spoiled. Look instead to how the material object was obtained, how it is used, and to the child’s attitude about it. That will give you more information about “spoiled” than the amount of material things she has.

Myth # 8:
Spoiled children need to change.
No, parents need to change. Parents need to change their attitudes about spoiled children and see instead a child who is attempting to satisfy his needs with an ineffective behavior. They need to change their own behaviors and be willing to take the time to teach new behaviors to their children. They need to be willing to confront, deal with conflict, and take the time to do solution-seeking.

Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose. They also publish a FREE email newsletter for parents and another for educators. Subscribe to them when you visit, www.chickmoorman.com or www.thomashaller.com. Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are two of the world’s foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. For more information about how they can help you or your group meet your parenting needs, visit their websites today.

The 10 Committments: Parenting with Purpose

Parent Talk; How to Talk to Your Children in Language That Builds Self-Esteem and Encourages Responsibility

Fred the Mouse: The Adventures Begin

Couple Talk: How to Talk Your Way to a Great Relationship

Where the Heart is: Stories of Home and Family

Talk Sense To Yourself: The Language of Personal Power