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 About Marty Friedman
Since 1976, Marty has instructed more than 2000 management and communication
seminars in organizations throughout the U.S., and for 28 years he has practiced
Siddha Yoga Meditation. When his 20 year marriage ‘hit a wall’, Marty realized that he was not fully integrating basic communication principles that he had been teaching as a management trainer. This realization led to a breakthrough in how he experienced the meaning of marital commitment, and the insights that followed changed how he looked at a man’s role as a husband.
Researching the field of marriage, and combining what he learned in his family life with his knowledge of relationship and communication skills, he developed three practical, clear principles to help men in marriage. Marty’s seminars and individual consulting educate men by providing effective tools for becoming more powerful and alive in their marriages. He is the author of .
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Marty Friedman's Articles
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Marriage without Criticism
By Marty Friedman
www.meninmarriage.com
When I was young back in Texas, I used to drive with my parents to visit my aunt and uncle. They had been married for many, many years, and like most members of the World War II generation, they stayed together through the years, regardless of endless conflict and unhappiness. I watched dumfounded as my aunt leveled my uncle with withering sarcasm and criticism, enumerating his various inadequacies and failures. Amazingly, my uncle deflected her with a quiet “Now, Margaret” and went back to reading or tinkering with a project. It eventually dawned on me that their pattern was set: she criticized him and he tuned her out. Much of their time together had become ritualized and meaningless. It seemed strange to me then—and it seems strange to me now—that the people we love the most are also the ones we criticize and attack the most.
Having children very often brings up tension in marriages. As mothers feel stressed and worn down by the care and maintenance, they need their husbands help with housework and child care, and they may want more emotional support as well. What is meant as a plea for help can sound to a husband as harsh criticism, and conflicts can escalate as the criticisms become more personal: “You don’t care. You come home and want to turn on the television and space out, while I do all the work. Why don’t you take a look in the mirror and see how lazy you are?”
Criticism erodes the loving trust that keeps couples together. It wears us down and creates defensiveness and anger. It will arise in almost every relationship, and how you deal with it can make the difference between healthy relationships and troubled ones. Both men and women criticize their partners, but for different reasons.
Men usually criticize their wives to diminish them, to “put them in their place”. A man like that is feeling a lack of power or love and appreciation in his life. So, he attacks his wife. Some men take out their inadequacies and frustrations this way. They feel weak and “feminine” and it scares them, so they put down their woman to feel better. Criticism like this is a form of abuse; it is completely unacceptable, and a man who repeatedly does it is less than a man. Men should take a strong look at their motivations for criticism and the effect criticism is having on their marriages. For men, criticism often comes from self-loathing.
What about women’s criticism? Some women criticize to hurt their men because they feel hurt and under-appreciated. A sharp tongue is their best weapon. However, most women I know criticize or “nag” for a very different reason: they are actually trying to help their men. Of course, we men don’t know that. What we experience is that our wives are trying to change us. And nobody likes to be changed; we want to be the one who decides whether we’ll change, so we resist or tune-out any effort to change us. Men who get negative messages too often from their wives may become alienated, shamed and angry, and they may refuse to even listen to criticisms, much less make needed changes. That, in turn, may make a woman even more frustrated and increase her criticism.
Most married men want two things: more sex and less criticism. But underneath these is something more basic. What men want most from their women is appreciation for what they do. Men want to feel that they’ve made their women happy and that they are a success story—heroes even—with their wives and families.
What men hear too often, however, is how far they are from pleasing their wives, whether it’s housework, hygiene or communication. Every man no doubt needs to make changes to become stronger and better, but think about it: how many women try to change and improve their mates? It’s probably over ninety percent. Now, how many men want to improve their wives? Strangely, very few men try to change their spouses. A man’s attitude is apt to be, “She may be a little messed up, but she’s what I’ve got.” If a man criticizes his spouse it usually isn’t to change her; it’s to wound her.
Women, on the other hand, see their men’s faults very clearly and resolve to clean them up. Even engaged women or newlyweds have a plan somewhere in the inner recesses of their mind to develop their men. In some ways, marriage for women is a giant improvement project. It’s like urban redevelopment of a “blighted area”!
If a man’s smart, he’ll listen to any constructive criticism, because it’s likely to be correct and useful; our women are likely to see us more clearly than anyone else because they know us best. There’s a bonus here as well: truly listening to, and acting upon, a woman’s criticism is the fastest way to get less of it and to become a better person, too.
The task for women is to give honest and helpful criticism, yet show unconditional love for their men. A woman must keep in mind that her husband isn’t the source of all her problems or put on earth to make her feel whole. It’s fine to constructively criticize, but never lose site of the fact that a man is much more likely to change if he feels loved and accepted.
So, if harsh criticism is hurtful, what’s the alternative? Here are some specific recommendations:
- Make your request loving and specific and tell your husband how much the new behavior would mean to you.
- Men love to feel they’re independent. Never hover around waiting for the changes you want.
- Ask a “how to” question: e.g., “How do you think we can get all this done?” Remember: he is not the problem—getting the housework or child care done is the problem. Ask your man to come up with options and make suggestions.
- , e.g. “Honey, it would mean a lot to me if you would clean up the dishes on the nights I cook. Would you be willing to take that on?”
- ; in fact, you’re better off keeping the whole conversation low-key. If you call a special meeting, your man is likely to feel it’s going to be another “relationship talk”, and he will be told what he’s doing wrong. He’ll put up immediate defenses and tune you out or argue with you. Try talking when you are both engaged in another activity, such as gardening or riding in the car.
- Build on all the great things he does, rather than criticizing all he doesn’t do.
Marty Friedman , author of “”. taught corporate managers how to create good relationships at work before writing and speaking about men and marriage. He is regularly interviewed on radio and television, and speaks to organizations about communication, men, relationships and marriage. Find out more at .
Copyright 2005 Men in Marriage. |
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How to Get a Man to do Housework
By Marty Friedman
www.meninmarriage.com
How do you get a man to do his share of the housework? If you are like most women you’ve faced this question the hard way: in an argument with your husband. Here’s a man’s take on this troublesome issue.
It’s a rare man who is equally focused on household chores as his wife is. A man will appreciate a clean, orderly house, but he usually won’t make the effort to create it.
This doesn’t mean that a woman has to do all the housework; it means that she may have to manage many of the household duties (at least for a while), and request her man’s participation, while respectfully holding him accountable for what he said he’d do. A woman can rant and rave that men and women should take equal responsibility for housework, but rather than fighting the large-scale household war wouldn’t it work better to simply look at what you want done and see how best to communicate and negotiate its completion?
Very few men are raised to be fully responsible for housework, and many men consciously or unconsciously look on housework as “women’s work”. On the other hand, most men will readily work around the yard, make repairs and complete projects on the weekend or evenings, and it’s important that you give your man appreciation for those contributions, too. (In his mind repairs and projects count just as much, or maybe more than housework.)
Most men will take on a few additional chores around the house if they are respectfully asked and not second-guessed and criticized for what they do. They are even more likely to do household chores if they can choose what they do, and do it without being monitored and criticized.
Here’s the key: we men want to feel that we are doing housework either because we want to do a task (usually because we are good at), or because we simply want to please our women. Men are much less likely to take on household tasks they prioritize as uninteresting and unimportant. In other words, men are unlikely to do a household task just for the good of the house.
As with most things, housework often comes down to communication. Here are some specific recommendations about how to talk to your man about household chores:
- Make a clear, specific request about exactly what you want or need. Avoid criticisms and judgments such as, “You never do any housework! You’re lazy!” They’ll cause a man to feel either ashamed or angered, and neither result will help your cause.
- But, remember: he is not the problem—getting the housework done is the problem. All your man to come up with options and make suggestions.
- Stay calm, be open and make yourself listen to him, even if you don’t agree with what he says.
- e.g. “Honey, it would mean a lot to me if you would clean up the dishes on the nights I cook. Would you be willing to take that on?”
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- If you call a special meeting, your man is likely to feel it’s going to be another “relationship talk”, and he will be told what he’s doing wrong. He’ll put up immediate defenses and tune you out or argue with you. Try talking when you are both engaged in another activity, such as gardening or riding in the car.
- Build on all the great things he does, rather than criticizing all he doesn’t do.
Don’t expect massive changes right away. Men haven’t been expected to do much housework over the last several thousand years and we are making a tough transition to the 21 st Century’s brave new world. Applying these ideas in your household will pave the road for incremental changes and increase your man’s participation in housekeeping.
Marty Friedman , author of “Straight Talk for Men About Marriage—What Men Need to Know About Marriage (And What Women Need to Know About Men)”. taught corporate managers how to create good relationships at work before writing and speaking about men and marriage. He is regularly interviewed on radio and television, and speaks to organizations about communication, men, relationships and marriage. Find out more at www.meninmarriage.com.
Copyright 2005 Men in Marriage |
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Becoming “Marriage Warriors”
Author of “Straight Talk for Men About Marriage—What Men Need to Know About Marriage (And What Women Need to Know About Men)”, and founder of .
Fatherhood has changed so much in the last twenty or thirty years that it would be almost unrecognizable to my father. He was a member of the last generation of hard-working fathers who were remote figures to their children. Men have always thrown themselves into their work—that’s where we usually feel the most powerful and successful. In the last twenty or thirty years, fathers have become much more loving, friendly and caring parents to their children. That’s the good news. The bad news is that many fathers are still so intensely focused on their work—and children--that they are letting their marriages wither on the vine.
I often think that we men treat getting married like buying a refrigerator: we go out and buy one, set it up, plug it in, and then expect it to run for a long, long time without any maintenance or cleaning. Recently, a man told me, “My marriage must be going OK, because if it isn’t, my wife would’ve yelled at me about it!” Most men don’t want to think too much about their marriages. They especially don’t want to talk about them. If you want to see a man squirm, watch him when his wife says, “Let’s talk about the relationship”. In general, men hope their marriages will run on automatic while they go out to conquer the world.
We men tend to use our masculine power, our “warrior spirit”, to create a good career for ourselves and to provide for our families. We want to believe that our efforts will be enough to keep our marriages going. For thousands of years, providing for, and protecting, one’s family was enough for most marriages. In the 21 st Century, however, women have much more economic and social power, and the stigma of divorce has lessened. As a consequence, women expect more from their husbands today and feel freer to leave their marriages if they aren’t satisfied. Of course, both men and women have high expectations for marriage: we each expect to feel loved, respected and fulfilled through our marriages, and we are often sorely disappointed.
Men today are often confused about what’s required of us in the area of marriage. We want to make it work. But, it feels like women and therapists have all the answers and can speak a unique “relationship language”, while we can’t even find the dictionary! So, we continue working hard and caring for our children. In fact, in many families today the pendulum has swung away from parent-centered marriages to child-centered ones, where the couple’s focus is always on raising “perfect” children.
We parents do a disservice to our children when we give them the message that they are the center of the family. Kids need the safety and stability of close, loving parents at the family’s center. This is why Notre Dame University President Emeritus Reverend Theodore Hesburgh said, “ The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.”
What I tell couples is simple: put your marriage first, and your children second. Make your marriage the sun, and think of your children as the planets that revolve around you, benefiting from your love and the solidity and strength of your relationship.
To accomplish this, we men have to become “relationship warriors”, as well as warriors in the world of work.
Men are naturally inclined to act, to build and to solve problems. We have the power to dream and put our dreams into concrete action, and to make powerful commitments and stick to them. We are able to keep our distance from the daily swirl of feelings, because our biology allows us to focus intensely on our outward “prey”. Men have the power to stand for something great and to fight for it with resolve.
According to many experts, male testosterone and thousands of years of evolution give men the ability and inclination to be warriors, to respond to external stimulation with aggression and ambition. Now it’s time for us to be relationship warriors, to act in a uniquely masculine way, and to stand up for our marriages as vehicles for love, growth and true fulfillment. We men can stand firm in our marriage commitment, holding onto a vision for marriage success with strength and purpose. We can learn to take full responsibility, to pull our own weight in marriage, and not expect our wives to do all the heavy relationship lifting. We also can learn to tune-in to our spouses and appreciate and listen to them better.
It’s time to stop expecting our marriages to run on automatic. It’s time to be relationship warriors and to commit ourselves 100% to creating an alive, powerful marriage!
For many years, Marty Friedman, author of “Straight Talk for Men About Marriage—What Men Need to Know About Marriage (And What Women Need to Know About Men)” taught corporate managers how to create good relationships at work before writing and speaking about men and marriage. He is regularly interviewed on radio and television, and speaks to organizations about communication, men, relationships and marriage. Find out more at www.meninmarriage.com.
Copyright 2005 Men in Marriage.
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 Finally. A Relationship Book Both Women AND
Men Will Read!
Why? Because this one doesn’t pull any punches. It doesn’t tiptoe around the issues with nice-sounding psycho-talk; it addresses the issues head-on.
But this isn’t a macho, pound-your-chest kind of a book. It deals with the issues of marriage and relationships with intelligence, strength and sensitivity, yet it shows men how to be fully masculine in their marriages.
Marty Friedman gets to the heart of the matter: Guys want good marriages and relationships, just like women do. Really. It’s just that their approach is different. And that’s the genius of this book; it looks at marriage in ways men and women can relate to and DO something about.
One more thing: There’s a section in here for women that gives you an insight into how men think. It’s sort of like peeking through the keyhole into the boys’ locker room. You might be surprised at what you see and hear. However, you will begin to understand what it all means and how you can use it to make things better between you and your guy.
Straight Talk for MEN about MARRIAGE:
stands on a bedrock of practical experience. It’s written by a man whose 20-year marriage started to crumble and who had the guts and the will to look at it. What he learned has revolutionized his marriage and his life. It can do the same for yours. |
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